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16 June 2017 20:49![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
unsatisfactory_personStill trying to deal with my recent shipping meltdown, and there seem to be two main factors: "I want them to be happy, so why am I not happy when they're happy?" and "oh no, am I That Slasher?''
First is kinda weirdly related to the all the times when my sadistic impulses ("I enjoy seeing this character Suffer Beautifully") and my protective impulses ("I love this character and absolutely don't want seeing them suffer, beautifully or not, I want them to be happy and safe") get into a fight ("I love this character and don't want them to suffer, but somehow still enjoy seeing them suffer"), except without sadistic impulses. No, trying to write it down like this doesn't seem to help making more sense of it, because I feel that those are somehow related, but not sure how. "I want them to be happy, so why am I not happy when they're happy?" is not about enjoying a fictional person's fictional pain. But it's still about my desires going against said fictional person's best interests, despite claiming that I want what's best for them. So I guess there's that.
The second is easy. And more frustrating. Because never mind that 90% of the time it's about me shipping my favourite female character with another woman (or several) despite her having a nice and supportive boyfriend/husband in canon - the second I acquire a favourite male character and end up shipping him with some dude (or several) despite him having a female love interest - the second it happens, the "oh no, am I That Slasher?" panic ensues. It doesn't matter that plenty of times I like or even love said female love interest - the fear of being That Slasher is still here. Because, well, Horrible Misogynic Slashers are, unfortunately, real, and aren't just straw people invented by Horrible Homophobic Anti-slashers (who are also very real, just as unfortunately), and they get on my nerves, and I would like to not being similar to them. But why am I worrying about being like them if I know I'm not?
(And Horrible Femlashers might also be real and not straw people, but they're usually only brought up when biphobia is involved, and with m/m slashers, when they get accused of being Horrible Misogynic Slashers, it's pretty much almost never about biphobia, it's almost always about allegedly Hating Women*.)
Sure, I'd rather not be yelled at. But the thing is, the person who yells at me is, well, me. It's not, like, fandom disapproval, it's my own disapproval. And that makes no sense.
---
*Kinda makes sense though, because there are still more canon bi female characters than canon bi male characters. Erasing the character's canon bisexuality is a pretty big deal.
First is kinda weirdly related to the all the times when my sadistic impulses ("I enjoy seeing this character Suffer Beautifully") and my protective impulses ("I love this character and absolutely don't want seeing them suffer, beautifully or not, I want them to be happy and safe") get into a fight ("I love this character and don't want them to suffer, but somehow still enjoy seeing them suffer"), except without sadistic impulses. No, trying to write it down like this doesn't seem to help making more sense of it, because I feel that those are somehow related, but not sure how. "I want them to be happy, so why am I not happy when they're happy?" is not about enjoying a fictional person's fictional pain. But it's still about my desires going against said fictional person's best interests, despite claiming that I want what's best for them. So I guess there's that.
The second is easy. And more frustrating. Because never mind that 90% of the time it's about me shipping my favourite female character with another woman (or several) despite her having a nice and supportive boyfriend/husband in canon - the second I acquire a favourite male character and end up shipping him with some dude (or several) despite him having a female love interest - the second it happens, the "oh no, am I That Slasher?" panic ensues. It doesn't matter that plenty of times I like or even love said female love interest - the fear of being That Slasher is still here. Because, well, Horrible Misogynic Slashers are, unfortunately, real, and aren't just straw people invented by Horrible Homophobic Anti-slashers (who are also very real, just as unfortunately), and they get on my nerves, and I would like to not being similar to them. But why am I worrying about being like them if I know I'm not?
(And Horrible Femlashers might also be real and not straw people, but they're usually only brought up when biphobia is involved, and with m/m slashers, when they get accused of being Horrible Misogynic Slashers, it's pretty much almost never about biphobia, it's almost always about allegedly Hating Women*.)
Sure, I'd rather not be yelled at. But the thing is, the person who yells at me is, well, me. It's not, like, fandom disapproval, it's my own disapproval. And that makes no sense.
---
*Kinda makes sense though, because there are still more canon bi female characters than canon bi male characters. Erasing the character's canon bisexuality is a pretty big deal.
